Blessed & Grateful: Something About Blue

We sparked with Blue’s sweet face and story at the humane society. Then we learned just how strong he is.

Blue, our big red-brown rescue dog with loving eyes, has become another sweet, tough member of our family.

I’ve been sleeping with a great guy who is not my husband. My husband understands, since Blue is his dog.

Our Blue is a big, curious and anxious 70-pound rescue dog with a rich chestnut coat, sweet eyes, a huge head, a body as long as a piano bench and a tail that curls up like a comma when he’s happy.

Blue has had a rough few weeks.

He’s recovering from minor surgery, as we have been renovating the house. Plaster, paneling, old pipes and an entire wall have come down.

My younger stepson’s beagle mix, Echo, doesn’t mind the noise.

But to Blue, this shake-the-house banging and power-sawing has been terrifying.

An anxious, post-op dog with stitches at the same time as a house renovation is crazy-making.

We would have never planned it this way. But Blue’s lump had to come out, and the best contractor could squeeze us in before Thanksgiving and the cold weather.

Sparking with that Sweet Face

On a May Saturday at the humane society, I lingered at Blue’s picture taped to the wall. Eighteen months before, we’d lost our beloved yellow lab mix, Duffy, who had carried us all through a lot of heartache. It was time to welcome a new dog to our family.

Something about that face was so earnest and endearing.

“How about Blue?” I thought, just as my husband said, “What about Blue?”

I believe in signs like that.

The shelter volunteer told us what she knew. He’d been a stray, and there for several months. Twice he’d been adopted and twice he’d turned up back at the shelter.

The paperwork said he’d shown some aggression, but when we heard the details we were cautiously optimistic that he’d been put in no-win situations, and that our family could be a good fit.

He needs an active family and calm house. We are an active, outdoorsy family and our house is typically pretty quiet. We don’t have little kids. We believe well-exercised dogs are well-behaved dogs, so we walk a lot.

“Let’s give this guy a chance,” I said. My husband nodded.

Our Bobblehead

Blue was a lanky stretch of bones and angles. So skinny we could count his ribs and his hind end was maybe three inches. At most.

He is sweet and gentle, and snuggled into our hands. He hugs by leaning his broad body up against your legs, just like our Duff did. Maybe that’s a lab thing. We fostered for several weeks to assure the shelter folks that this time things would work out for Blue, then adopted him.

“He looks like a bobblehead,” said our vet, Dr. Kristi the first time she met him and smiled. His head was so big and his body was so skinny. She is kind and bubbly. We fully trust her and her colleagues with these family members.

Now, Blue is broad and muscled. He’s gained about 10 pounds. On Blue’s first afternoon home, my husband walked him four miles in the woods to an old oak tree that’s become a family landmark. They’ve walked together nearly every morning since then — until Blue’s surgery.

Take Me With You

Our big, red-brown mixed breed rescue dog, Blue, takes his co-pilot job very seriously on road trips.
Our big, red-brown mixed breed rescue dog, Blue, takes his co-pilot job very seriously on road trips.

Blue’s theme song would be Prince’s “Take Me With U.” He doesn’t care where we’re going, what we do or how long the ride is, he just wants to go along. He loves to sit tall and at full attention behind the driver, and takes his co-pilot job very seriously.

He loves to be outside, chasing his ball as I work in the garden, and loves to play in the creek.

Blue can be anxious. Sometimes he flinches. We wonder what he’s been through in his three years. He has some baggage.

Don’t we all?

These past several months, I’ve read up on dog behavior as Blue and I bonded and built trust. We’ve sat together and snuggled. When he’s nervous, I tell him: I know, babe. I get anxious, too. I have abandonment issues, too, honey.

He knows I would never hurt him. I know he would never hurt me or any of us on purpose.

He’s settled beautifully into our home and routine.

Every morning at about 4:30, my husband walks Blue and Echo. By the time I come down to the kitchen at about 5:30, following the scent of coffee and looking like Bill the Cat from the old Bloom County comic strip, they are back from their walk, invigorated and wide awake.

A Scary, Walnut-Sized Lump

“He’s been through enough,” I pled to Dr. Kristi two days after Blue’s surgery. She agreed.

Dr. Kristi had removed a walnut-sized lump on Blue’s chest, plus 3 cm all the way around it, and sent it to the lab to be tested. We were so relieved a few days later when the lab report came back and said it was nothing.

But Blue was already nervously licking at his stitches, and I didn’t know how to make him stop. His slurping woke me up the first night and I’d slept on the couch by his crate the next night. For two weeks after surgery, he was supposed to stay quiet and could only take really short walks out to the backyard. We were giving him sedatives, yet still he licked.

I was worried. I knew the risk of infection.

We tried a cone. He shook it off and attacked it. OK, no cone.

We tried a t-shirt, but Blue just rubbed at his stitches through his shirt.

The more he picked, the more worried I became. The more anxious I got, the more anxious he got. Deep breaths.

Plus — in those first few days, our house was full of chaos and noise, as we started pulling down all the old layers of paneling and plaster in our living room.

After a weekend of hard work and keeping our Blue as quiet as we could — but not very quiet — we were ready for our contractor.

On Monday morning, I realized Blue’s wound was bleeding. Soon after the crew arrived, I zipped him off to the vet.

He would soon be on valium. I resisted the urge to take one.

Shell-shocked

I secured the dogs in my home office, as our contractor and I worked on decisions — zipping up and down the stairs to check on Blue. He seemed OK.

That night, even with special food, and all the medicine, he was anxious. He shook. He licked at his stitches. From what I could see of the incision, it looked red and angry.

I sat on the floor with him against the couch in our temporary living room. Eventually he laid down against my leg. Every time I moved, he’d lick at his stitches.

He was shell-shocked. “We got this, buddy,” I said to calm us both as I stroked his fur. I felt guilty and panicked, tried to stay calm and still. That was our night.

The next morning, Blue’s wound looked awful. We zipped back to the vet.

Dr. Nikki sat on the floor in the exam room, let Blue lick her face, and listened.

“I can’t manage this,” I pled. “Even when I am holding his head with both hands, and with him constantly, I can’t keep him away from those stitches.”

I was nearly in tears. “He is a beautiful, sweet, healthy 3-year-old dog,” I said. “I am not going to lose this dog.”

From her spot on the floor, Dr. Nikki said, full of confidence: “You’re not going to lose this dog.”

She had a plan. As I waited, I realized this had all stirred up my own baggage and painful memories of spending November fighting for life.

This is Blue, I reminded myself while I sat in the waiting room.

Not Duffy. Not Dad.

My November Baggage

Nine years ago, I spent the first two weeks of November by my Dad’s hospital bed, as he slept in a medical coma and fought a life-threatening infection. He cheated death then, woke up a few days before Thanksgiving, and we were all lucky to have another few years with him.

Two years ago, for weeks Dr. Kristi and I fought the good fight to save Duffy, our yellow lab. She ran tests and we tried different medicines and I made special meals of boiled chicken and sausages until the Tuesday when Duffy laid down outside by our neighbor’s fence and would not move. The scans would not show the blood cancer that made him so sick.

Duffy had seen my husband and stepsons through some pretty painful days when their family had broken.

Duff had welcomed me into the family, shown me a dog’s unconditional love, and walked beside me on a ridge trail through the woods day after day in 2013 after I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer. When I started to write about my dad, Duff would walk over and lay his head on my lap.

Duff taught me that every part of our daily life is better with a dog. He’d left us all heartbroken.

And then we healed. So many wonderful animals need a good home, and we had an empty spot in ours.

Super-strength

Dr. Nikki packed Blue’s wound with honey and wrapped him in a bandage that covered his chest, shoulders and upper part of his belly. She prescribed one more medicine to make him drowsy.

For awhile, we were at the vet’s daily for a check and bandage change and our Blue was a walking medicine chest: two antibiotics to treat the raging infection, two sedatives and a painkiller to make him drowsy.

He still fought sleep, but eventually succumbed, and konked out across the backseat of the car. As the contractors worked, I drove a drowsy, sleeping Blue around — with the beagle buttoned up in her crate — to spare the dogs the stress of the noisy house. I postponed anything that could not be done with him, and am grateful for my flexible life.

Date Night

That week, I crossed over to “kooky dog lady.” By Saturday, the house was quiet and we were all exhausted. The dogs and I burrowed under quilts and blankets on the couch — temporarily in the kitchen.

“Let’s go out to dinner,” my husband said when he came home from a day in the woods.

“I don’t know if I can leave Blue,” I said, and realized I’d been with him for nine days.

“He’ll be fine, hon,” said my husband, pointing out that Blue was soundly sleeping and we’d be gone about two hours.

We went to the adorable Italian place with the twinkle lights, chianti and homemade meatballs. Ahhh…

Blue was fine. Still sleeping when we returned.

Blue’s Will

Now, every day is better. Blue’s wound is healing and closing up. Right now, he’s sleeping soundly on my office floor beside Echo as the guys work downstairs.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, that big, beloved celebration of gratitude.

I am thankful. Today, tomorrow, and every day.

Even for Blue’s fight to stay awake. Even for the toughness that’s made him a high-maintenance, expensive handful these last few weeks.

Behind Blue’s sweet face is Blue’s will and it helped him survive, until we could get to him and bring him home.

Pupdate: Blue tolerates a fancy new pillow around his neck so he can’t reach the last part of his wound that needs air to heal. (I tell him he still looks tough.) No more bandages. The house has been quiet for a few days in a row. We have the vet’s green light for normal walks. This morning, as the wind whipped snow into our faces, we leaned in and walked a couple of brisk miles. A refreshing step toward the normal routine.

Blessed & Grateful: Coming Home

The air is perfect. Too warm for October, but not steamy-hot like yesterday. A cool, comfortable breeze.

Refreshing. Like the few sips of ice water I enjoyed before the big dog knocked over the glass. Like slipping tired feet out of heels after a long day and into spongy, flat rubber flip-flops. Even better, the cool earth against my arches, lush green grass under my toes.

Refreshing as returning home after a week away and a long drive through the thick traffic and the drizzly dark. The beagle sat at attention to deliver the first greeting. Then the big, lanky brown dog loped over to rub his broad forehead against my thigh. Hey, you.

In the living room, my dear husband awoke in his easy chair, where he had been dozing and “watching” playoff baseball through his fluttering eyelids.

A few days later, even though the visit to a former life far away was wonderful, I’m still savoring the best part of leaving — coming home. From the cherry red, Adirondack chair in the backyard, feeling the perfect air against my skin, greeting the neighbors, tossing the ball for the dogs, breathing in the sweetness of fresh-cut grass from the church cemetary beyond our invisible property line.

This chair came with the house and property, which came with the love of my life and our family. My husband and stepsons have lived here for more than a decade. Uprooting the boys was out of the question.

So I moved. I’ve bloomed where planted before.

At first, I thought we’d live here until the boys were done with school.

Then, when I noticed my husband’s family name on generations of headstones in the cemetary and on old yellowed maps of our town I’d find while browsing the antique shops, it became clear that it would be wrong to ever uproot him from this place. He is of this valley.

I am home. This simple tan, square and sturdy 1860s house shelters our family. Every morning, there is something beautiful to see just a short walk out the door. In that way, it’s just like the best part of the old life.

We’ll most likely live here until I’m “planted” out back — ideally not taking up too much space and far below something much lovelier than grass that doesn’t need to be chopped every few days in a wet summer. Lawnmowers make me cringe. Not that it will matter.

The Man Cave look has yielded here and there. We have a blue room on the second floor with quilted wall-hangings and taupe curtains that is my studio. In the kitchen and white café curtains with flowered edges replaced the tired fabric hanging on closet dowels. Flower gardens curve along one side of our house — all surrounding the lawn where our grown boys still play whiffle ball. On one or two random, magical summer nights, everything but time stops for a whiffle ball game.

Behind home plate is the immense woodpile my husband, a teacher, builds over the first few weeks after school lets out for the summer. Red blossoms, red metal and red wood pull my eye through our gardens until it comes to rest on the big Adirondack chair beside the wood pile.

The first summer I lived here, I would sit in this red chair with my coffee and imagine all the future gardens. We’ve made many of them. There are a few more to come. More gardens dance in my mind’s eye. Always.

One summer Sunday morning, during my coffee time in the chair, I decided I’d go next door to the church service at 11. It seemed like time. You could say the spirit moved me. My husband never pressured me. My neighbor invited me, and said she thought I’d appreciate the wonderful community. She was right.

I’ve only heard love, acceptance, kindness and wisdom from our pulpit — and so I keep going.

The next summer, the pastor married us in front of an old stone house at the state park five minutes away — a place where we have walked so many miles and held so many family picnics that it feels like an extension of our home.

I cherish our healthy marriage, because I’ve had a bad one. I cherish this peace and contentment because I’ve been through the fire. My flames are no hotter than anyone else’s. Who knows when life will shatter a peaceful time — grab it while you can.

One project at at a time, the walls of our home will yield to open space and windows so we can see out back past the gardens and whiffle-ball field, the woodpile, the carved stone markers and the cornfield to the mountain where the trees reveal the season. In spring, bright green climbs up the ridges. In autumn, they are speckled with orange and rust. Jagged lines of blue-green conifers among the bright white snow in winter. Threads of dusky violet.

The dogs are played out now and lounge in the grass. Dusk has settled. The last pink of the sky fades to gray. The crickets are warmed up and hitting their stride.

Time to head inside for supper.

 

Blessed & Grateful: Letting Go is Hard … Yet We Must

Our kids were 15 and 13 when I met their Dad. His face lit up when he told me about his sons. Older kids. Be careful, I thought. That’ll go so fast. But I was already in love. In a flash, it was time to let the kids go — and it was, indeed, really hard.

 

Yellow-orange school buses tunnel through the vast fields of tall cornstalks in our small town. Those sentries stand poker straight, green row upon tidy row. The hot mess of August yields to order.

These days can be soggy, teary ones. We must let go of summer, and let go of our children. Their new chapter has arrived.

But knowing this, and actually doing it is hard.

Last summer, as I struggled to let go, author Anne Lamott’s wise words struck a chord.

“You cannot follow your children around forever with sunscreen and lip balm,” she said. “It’s disrespectful.”

Wisdom Over Coffee ~ How did She Know?

The Wegmans Café in the college town over the mountain had become my mobile office. I’d gotten into a bit of trouble with my younger stepson, hovering over him at breakfast-time.

He would soon be 19, a freshman in college and wanted to make his own breakfast, thank-you-very-much. The morning smoothie and scrambled eggs had been one of those few things I could do for him, and I felt good about providing a healthy and nutritious start to his day.

So I signed-up for a month of daily, 8 a.m. “yoga boot camp” classes to force myself out the door by 7, before he was up, then I’d hunker down to work at a place with good coffee and wi-fi.

During Anne Lamott’s TED Talk about the 12 things she knew to be true as she turned 61 a few months prior, she looked straight at her audience — straight at me — and said:

“You cannot follow your children around forever with sunscreen and lip balm. It’s disrespectful.”

I gasped.

How did she know that at that very late-summer moment, the sunscreen and lip balm I’d bought for our kids at the start of summer was still sitting unopened in its pristine packaging on their dressers?

Our Kids Were Teenagers when I Met Them

When I met my husband at a Halloween party, his face lit up when he mentioned his boys, 15 and 13. His bright smile. His deep brown eyes. His stature.

My insides turned to butter and I thought: This man is gorgeous!

Then the kids’ ages, 15 and 13, registered. My intuition whispered: Oh gheesh. Older kids. Be careful. That’ll go so fast. That will be hard.

So true — and a moment too late.

Their family of three only fueled my attraction, and turned my life upside down.

I’d arrived in my 40s, recently divorced, with no children and an unfulfilled dream of having a family of my own.

In my 20s, my priority was to establish a writing life and home of my own, before being swallowed up by motherhood and the family that would most certainly happen later when the right guy came along.

A guy appeared. He turned out to be the wrong guy and there went my 30s. But I’d moved with him to a good place. So when he moved on, I stayed.

Later had come and gone. I’d returned to single life. That would be that. At 41, I realized my window to be a mom would soon slam shut. Was I really OK with that? I debated whether to have a child on my own.

(My friend Cristina would soon face similar questions and decided to have a baby on her own. Totally by choice. Totally badass.)

Beautiful & Perfect Trio

Just after Thanksgiving that year, I saw the boys for the first time when Superman sent a snapshot of the three of them from that summer.

They are all beaming in celebration after the younger boy’s team won a baseball championship game. In the post-game snapshot, he is between his Dad and older, taller brother. He wears a medal around his neck and smiles ear-to-ear, his black eye-paint smeared across the top of his cheekbones, his baseball uniform shirt unbuttoned and rumpled from playing.

They stood close enough for their shoulders to touch. Superman had his hand on the shoulder of his younger son, who was patting his older brother’s stomach.

My heart leaped over the moon.

The boys and I met before Christmas. They were just as sweet as in the picture.

My focus shifted to treading carefully in their “Man Cave,” doing what I could for them. That first winter, that meant cheering from the stands at wrestling matches and basketball games. Then came baseball and football games. Surely, I was embarrassingly loud.

I dove into cooking for them.

It wasn’t always easy for them, me or their Dad.

But we figured it out and became family.

A blink later and the boys stood as their grandmother pinned boutonnieres with white roses to their blue button-down shirts minutes before their dad and I got married.

By then, we were all clear that all this was true at once: I was not their mother. Their mom loves them very much.

And yet, they both are my kids, our sons, my stepsons.

Another blink and they were as tall and handsome as their dad, wearing tuxes before prom, each with a rose pinned to his lapel that matched his date’s dress.

In a flash, our younger son had graduated high school and was preparing to go to college — and making his own smoothie. Was there nothing left that I could do for him?

Now my job was to let go. It was hard.

How Will They Know?

Over in that college town, I had coffee with a college student who complained about her over-protective parents.

I told her I was struggling to let go.

I told her what Anne Lamott said about how the hovering was disrespectful.

Exactly! She said. Yes.

She’s insulted when her parents tell her she can’t drive after dark. Like she’s not capable of it.

She’s deflated when she calls home with an exciting opportunity and her parents bring up some negative worry. Why can’t they just be happy for her? Why can’t they be happy when she’s home instead of harping on when she’s not home?

And when she leaves, her mom lingers at the window, watching her go. It drives her crazy.

I cringed, then confessed. I stand at the kitchen window and watch them drive away, saying a little prayer, asking God to please watch over my husband and boys and bring them back home safely.

It’s annoying! said my student.

Ok, OK! I get it! I said. (And I remembered my mom standing at the window or waiting up until I got home and yeah, it drove me crazy, too.)

The Greatest Fear

But, I appealed to my student:

Try to understand — even though it’s probably impossible to really get this until it happens in your life.

When you become a parent — in whatever way you become a parent — you feel this unbelievable, tremendous, heart-bursting, love for these children.

It is bigger and more powerful than you can believe, than your body can even hold. You would do anything to protect this child from hurt.

You read the news. You know things happen. Car accidents. Freak accidents. Thunderstorms and floods.

Plus the crazy, unkind people you know are out there. People who could hurt them. Badly.

On any given day, something awful can happen. You know this.

Your greatest fear is that someone or something awful will harm your child, lead him to suffer pain, derail the potential of his life — or even end it.

You can’t imagine surviving that.

How Will They Know?

And, I told her, if I’m not concerned about their well-being — and protecting them from the sun’s harmful rays — how will they know I love them?

We know, she said. We know from all the times before when we were little.

But I wasn’t there when they were little!

Well, there is that, she said.

I’m trying, I told her.

~~~~~~

That night, I talked with my older stepson about all this. He was sunburnt and leaving the next day on a big trip to Montana.

He sighed in solidarity. He agreed with my student.

OK, I said. But if I don’t buy you sunscreen and lip balm and hover at the window when you pull out of the driveway: How will you know how much I love you?

He said: Just tell us.

So I hugged him, carefully because his skin burned, and said goodnight and wished him a good trip and told him I loved him with all my heart.

Enjoying Today’s Big Steps — and the Next

A few weeks later, a friend who was about to drop her youngest daughter at college said these wise words: We just have to sit back and enjoy watching them take these big steps.

Yes.

I can focus on all their big steps that I missed — like when our oldest was a little 5-year-old kid on his way to kindergarten who waved goodbye and disappeared into the school bus, leaving his dad teary-eyed on the curb.

Oh, what I would give to have been to see the three of them then.

But that’s not our story.

Or I can be grateful I’ve been here to stand beside their Dad and see them learn to drive, fall in love with their girlfriends, graduate from high school, leave for college where they have exceled and matured.

Learning to be Fireproof

Last summer, that time of loss was about them — and some of it surely was about me never experiencing “traditional” motherhood and all I imagine about it: Rocking my child, reading stories at bedtime, holding a small hand in mine while we cross the street or climb the ladder of a slide.

None of that was their problem. It was all my stuff to resolve.

To cling to them because of decisions I made in my 20s and 30s would have done them a disservice. It would have been unkind and unfair.

Disrespectful, and most definitely not my job in their lives.

Last week, this bit of wisdom, thanks to author Glennon Doyle: Our job is not to protect them from their pain, but to let them walk through the fire because that’s how they will learn they are fireproof.

That aligns with my husband’s philosophy — and to parent with him is an honor, responsibility and privilege.

Still… There Will Be Tears

So I let go. We dropped our youngest son at college. I cried the second I was back in the car. I re-focused on my work. I still missed him terribly.

I tell our sons how much I love them every time we say goodbye — and sometimes just out of the blue.

Loss sucks. Period. We need to grieve our losses, and cry our tears.

But, gratefully, as my husband reminds me, these changes are about life, not death. New chapters of their lives. New chapters of our lives and relationships with them.

Our youngest had a stellar college freshman baseball season. Our oldest is engaged.

We have so much to look forward to.

So I focus on all that’s good about the world. The joy of learning new things. Love. Knowledge. Manhood. Their reach toward their full, amazing potential as human beings, fathers and men.

Shining their light. Achieving their brilliance. Because the world needs people like this. The world needs men like this.

I am re-balancing my life, too, and that’s OK. My time is better spent writing than chasing people around with lip balm, sunscreen and Neosporin.

I let go. I talk to the dogs a lot. (OK, I fuss over the dogs, A LOT.)

This summer, when our youngest was home from college, I made sure there was cereal in the cupboard. Even the sugary kind. I stayed in my home office in the mornings.

This all still gets messy, and sometimes I’m in trouble for hovering.

Step back, my intuition whispers. Be grateful for what we have become to each other, how they let me onto their team and experience parenthood. I shed a few tears. I go on with my day.

And we all know I’ve got sunscreen and lip balm right here — just in case.

Blessed & Grateful: Summer’s Sweetest Salve

Three horse-drawn buggies. Two pickup trucks. Three cars. I eyed the gathering of those already waiting for peaches in the gravel lot in front of the big white weathered barn at the Amish orchard on Back Mountain Road, and I parked carefully.

In the cool August morning, we all quietly looked each other over, wondering how long we may have to wait for fresh-picked peaches — or if we would get any at all.

I’d hardly expected to be first at just after 7 a.m. Even a transplant like me knows when they say “early” in Big Valley that means about 4 a.m., maybe sooner. By then, our farm town is wide awake. Traffic zips along the main road, slicing through the cornfields that blanket the valley bottom and stretch to the base of the mountain ridges.

 

See this piece in Country magazine’s August/September 2018 issue.  Click for pdf version.

Crazy for Peaches

Yesterday, the woman at our butcher shop in town had directed me to another orchard and said she’d heard from a woman who’d arrived before 5 a.m. and was sixth in line.

People are crazy for peaches here in the valley this time of year. Rightly so. Summer’s sweet essence lives in the juicy, delicate flesh of a ripe peach.

So eighth wasn’t so bad. We all knew who among us was already there when we arrived and who had come later. We knew our place.

A chestnut horse pulling an open black wagon emerged from the trees and trotted into view, stopping in front of the barn. Two Amish boys held the reins and stood on the buckboard. Not quite teenagers, one wore a bachelor’s button blue shirt and the other a pale blue one — the familiar, vibrant hues of Big Valley.

Reddish-orange peaches filled 18, wheat-colored half-bushel baskets in the wagon bed.

A beautiful abundance. I would be heading home with peaches soon.

Or so I thought.

Then the next person in line asked for five bushels, 10 baskets. Six more people ahead of me.

The boys unloaded baskets, gently placing them on the gravel drive near the buyer’s buggy or truck, then moved on to the next person — often asking to determine who was next, as we’d parked in a formation more like tossed seeds than a line.

Country life will change you, if you let it

When the boys had finished, and the horse had rested a bit, one boy nudged the horse backward then toward the trees. Each boy placed a foot in a broken-in, familiar spot and climbed back to his driving position.

The horse’s metal shoes and the wagon’s wheels clattered on the pounded dirt lane as the wagon climbed slightly and disappeared again into the orchard.

More peaches would come to those content to wait.

As they picked the next wagon-load, a few of us helped the woman with her five bushels transfer her treasures from the baskets to boxes. Peaches cannot be dumped. Each one must be gently moved by hand to avoid bruising.

We waited and chatted about our peachy plans. One woman could already taste her the first cobbler she would make. Mine would be grilled at our annual summer party on Saturday. Our local family and friends, plus a few carloads of out-of-town guests gather at a state park pavilion to celebrate the best of summertime: Roasted corn, fresh tomatoes, grilled peaches, a swim in the lake, catching up.

As the sun rose higher and the morning warmed, the peach ladies and I chatted with each other and with the mother of the Amish family who owns the orchard. She explained that the drought had cut the peach harvest in half, and made them sweeter. The apples would be down, too, she said, but they were thankful for the harvest, whatever the amount.

The wagon came and went two more times. Five more, then 10 more cars snaked down the lane. People milled and watched. Some napped in their cars.

Country life will change you, if you let it.

We waited. So did the dirty breakfast dishes in my sink, the e-mails, the preparations for the party and the soon-to-arrive guests.

No matter. By then I was invested and enjoying the community, cool air and gorgeous scenery.

A little patience pays off

Finally, I left with two half-bushel baskets — one of Redhaven and another of John Boy.

That first bite was a delicious rush of nectar on my tongue. It belongs to all that is wonderful about summertime. A splash of cold water on a hot, humid afternoon. Floating on a river. Mountain pies over the campfire. Fireflies dancing above the cornfields. Cool, soft sheets on tired feet at the end of the day. The crack of a homerun off a wooden bat.

We must make time to savor these summertime pleasures — for they are both fleeting and the salve to all of our worries, aches and ordeals, the swift passage of time, the kids growing up too fast. All of it held at bay for awhile.

Blessed & Grateful: A Squirrel on the Cutting Board ~ A Tale of Making Food and Family

One meal at a time, we gently pushed each other outside of our comfort zones to become family.

My husband arrived home from the woods one winter Saturday afternoon, popped his head into my office and proudly announced:

“There’s a squirrel for you on the cutting board, hon!”

“A what!?” I asked.

“A squirrel. We’re going to roast him for dinner!”

Horrified, I replied: “You can’t put that thing in the oven. I’ve got potatoes in there.”

“He won’t eat any potatoes, hon! He’s already dead!”

Anticipating a Memorable Meal

Downstairs in the kitchen, I found two excited kids: My husband and younger stepson.

They’d taken his beagle puppy to the woods for training that led to the gray squirrel’s demise. A hunk of cleaned, raw meat carefully wrapped in a plastic bag remained of the scampering, furry creature.

It was, indeed, on the cutting board. And it looked just like chicken.

Their faces beamed with broad smiles and rosy cheeks, typical after an invigorating winter walk in the woods. They had a twinkle of anticipation of the next thrill: My distress at a squirrel carcass in my kitchen and — even better — roasted squirrel on my dinner plate.

My husband threw down the gauntlet. “Are you going to try it, hon?”

Our Meat Came from the Stop ‘n Shop

They knew I would be squeamish. They are meat-and-potatoes men, who grew up hunting wild deer and turkey on ground in the woods of Pennsylvania’s Rothrock State Forest. They hunt with their father and grandfather  — as my husband did before them and his father did before him — year after year.

I grew up in a suburb outside Cleveland. Our meat had come from the Stop ‘n Shop. Squirrels were cute critters with fluffy tails that did goofy, entertaining things like chase each other up and down tree trunks. A sign that I grew up with far more luxury than I realized as a child, to eat a squirrel had never, ever crossed my mind.

Food that Lives a Full, Wild Life

Soon after meeting my husband, I realized I would have to accept hunting. I already held in high regard anyone who cultivates or harvests food from the wild so the rest of us can eat. As a cub newspaper reporter on the coast of Maine, I’d written many stories about small-scale commercial fishermen and found them, by and large, to be good, hard-working salt-of-the-earth people.

This is now my third decade of writing about environmental responsibility and the food supply, particularly seafood on a global scale. So I’ve thought a lot about these thorny, complicated issues. It’s more environmentally responsible, I believe, to know where your food comes from — to know what it takes to grow it, even to meet it face-to-face — than to buy it in sanitized plastic at the grocery store.

(We do plenty of that, too.)

We are not purists. I am aware that the planet would be better off if the U.S. diet shifted away from meat to insects or plants. True.

That’s a pretty tough sell in this family of meat-eaters. So the more of our meat that comes from the wild, the better for us and the planet.

A Swift End

Until it meets the bullet or arrowhead, that wild deer or turkey lived its full wild life as it was meant to until, hopefully, the quick end of that life. While life and nature are messy and death does not come instantly, the goal of the hunters I know is for the end to be quick and free of suffering.

I am not there to witness it, so trust them that this is so. We’ve talked about it. For me, the killing holds no appeal. When the meat comes home, I cook it with a clear conscience, and proudly serve venison or a wild turkey on Thanksgiving.

It is food every bit as beautiful and healthful as those heirloom tomatoes from my organic garden, local greens from the farmers market or fresh boutique oysters on the half-shell.

Facing the Ick Factor

But squirrel?

Never. Not in my repertoire. Nor was I even a bit tempted to cook or eat it.

Yet, I already knew — as did my gloating husband — that I’d have to try it.

My husband and the boys had themselves squirmed many times as they peeked in the pots simmering on the stove or spotted something new on their dinner plates.

“What’s that?”

“Oh,” I’d say. “I’m trying a new recipe. I thought you’d like it because I know you like clams” or “that noodle thing we had last week” or what-have-you.

“I’ll try it. I just want to know what it is.”

Food: One Way to their Hearts

By the time that hunk of squirrel appeared in our kitchen, in this small Pennsylvania farm town, I had taken over cooking for the four of us. The boys were already teenagers — 15 and 13 — when dad’s new girlfriend arrived in their lives and home, a foodie with a several towering piles of cookbooks.

I instantly loved them and felt a fierce drive to nurture and protect them.

They are my kids, yet I am not their mom. I had to respect her place and find a place of my own. They were too big to rock to sleep or listen to a bedtime story or be tucked in.

But I could feed them. Oh my yes, I could feed them. Doing so became somewhat of an obsession.

Filling, Fast and Familiar

Our first regular meal together on Sunday mornings was Dorie Greenspan’s recipe for buttermilk pancakes — with the addition of a banana. Credit: bkk2018 for iStock

With fresh eyes, I thumbed my dog-eared cookbooks. Our first regular meal together on Sunday mornings was Dorie Greenspan’s recipe for buttermilk pancakes — plus a banana.

The banana caramelized as the batter hit the foaming butter on the griddle. Tangy buttermilk lifted the cakes as they cooked, filling the kitchen with warmth and sweetness. Teenage boys, I quickly learned, not only have ravenous appetites, but turn everything into a competition, including how many pancakes they can eat. Soon, I was making two batches for the four of us.

All those years interviewing chefs and writing about food trends would prove both a secret weapon — and liability.

Flavor, nuance, names of famous chefs, the best brand of white chocolate … no one really cared. None of that was important to hungry, growing boys who were year-round athletes and hunters.

What they wanted most was filling, familiar and fast, because they were always hungry. Here in our farm town with its churches, traditions, Amish culture and single pizza joint, all of that foodie stuff just made me sound like a snob.

Simple Food — with Extra Meat

Chili quickly made the cut — especially made with venison — along with paninis and tomato soup. I leaned on Sara Moulton, queen of the family-friendly weeknight meal, especially chicken thighs with sausage and hot peppers over pasta. I kept the pickled okra in her Cheatin’ Jambalaya but added extra meat and used brown rice. We all swooned for Sara’s beer-battered fish tacos.

I deleted from my shopping list, pantry and menus as much processed food as I could get away with, and added green vegetables. We ate a lot of broccoli. I didn’t care that it was smothered with cheese. If I put out a platter of veggies and ranch dressing while I was furiously finishing dinner, the vegetables disappeared. Magic.

I learned to keep it simple.

My Moosewood books with their vegetarian classics collected dust, as did anything fancy or too time-consuming — unless it was a holiday or Sunday or someone’s birthday, when I made a favorite chocolate cake or peanut butter pie.

And so it went. Meal by meal, I’d serve dishes outside their familiar — just not too far — and invite their honest response until we built a stable of family favorites.

Until, that is, we built a family that included me.

Upside Down

On the steamy summer night when we told the boys we were going to get married — quite a big night, really, as we were asking for their blessing — I made rigatoni with sliced sweet peppers and flank steak their dad grilled. The boys were OK with the news. Our younger son, with a twinkle in his eye that always just knocks me over, said “just keep the food coming.”

And so my husband and I cooked the same dish for the guests at our wedding picnic a few weeks later.

I transformed their family meals. They turned my life upside down in the best possible way.

Foodie Bliss on a Winter Afternoon

One January Saturday, in that quiet lull following the holidays, our calendar was empty and I had what seemed like plenty of alone time to try Sheila Lukins’ strawberry tart and a chicken pot pie from the new Ina Garten Barefoot Contessa cookbook I’d received for Christmas.

Aahhh, cooking bliss. As the snow gently fell outside our kitchen window, I mixed dough and custard and listened to the MET opera broadcast.

Then I flaked, and mistakenly added the entire batch of fresh crème fraiche to the custard instead of the much smaller amount the tart recipe called for, which made it a watery mess. The chicken mixture for the pot pies took forever to thicken. I burned too much time searching the deep storage spots high and low for the ramekins that had belonged to my dad.

Soon, the boys would be home and starving. Evening plans had taken shape. Deadlines approached.

Then Kitchen Chaos

A glass lid slipped from my hands and shattered on the kitchen floor. I’d forgotten to thaw the puff pastry and considered pulling out the hair-dryer to makeup time, then thought better of it.

Hungry people floated in and out of the kitchen. Pacing. Circling.

Now in a panic, I pressed on with my pot pies.

“Is dinner ready?” asked my older stepson, home from college. He asked again, and again, until I cracked.

Calmly and slowly, I walked over to him, planted at the kitchen table. I told him I loved him with all my heart and that he would know dinner was done when it was on the plate in front of him.

So, until that moment, if he could please — PLEASE! — for the love of God, stop asking!

He moved on to reminiscing.

“You know, we always tried everything you put in front of us,” he said.

Crispy, Cracked & Still Sizzling

A few weeks later, that squirrel was in front of me. Our older son was back at college, yet I could still hear his words.

My husband put the squirrel in a metal pan to roast, not a bit of oil or seasoning on it. By then I knew wild game typically has less fat and dries out easily. Really, the poor thing died twice.

We sat down to dinner: chicken, potatoes, probably broccoli — and squirrel, the meat cracked and still sizzling.

I took a bite. Awful. Stringy and dry.

But I had tried it — as they watched.

Soul Food

Our boys are now accomplished men with full, juicy lives of their own, busily balancing long-term girlfriends, work commitments — and many meals with extended families including their girlfriends’ families. With them away at college most of the last year, my husband and I settled into empty-nesting with simple dinners of salads, sandwiches or, my favorite, eggs. One or two cooked meals can last us all week.

Even when our sons are home for holiday and summer vacations, we are all so busy that it’s easy to put off grocery shopping and cooking a proper, family meal.

But I can’t let that happen.

Once a week, I pick a day that looks best for everyone and cook a full family meal.

For when the six of us sit down to share a meal, what is satisfied much more than my physical hunger is my soul’s deep craving for this family to nurture and share.

~ Lisa Duchene

Lisa Duchene is a freelance business-environment writer, essayist, blogger, owner of Polished Oak Communications and — above all else — a proud stepmama in central Pennsylvania.

About Blessed & Grateful, Lisa’s Blog

Copyright 2018 ~ Lisaduchene.com

Blessed & Grateful: Three Cures for My Potty Mouth

Three cures for my potty mouth to swear by

One December Sunday several years ago, I’d just returned home to my petite Victorian house in the pitch black early evening. As I walked through newly painted rooms, turning on lamps, I talked on the phone with this really nice, handsome and interesting guy.

We’d seen each other a few times. So far, he was everything on my wish list.

I was smitten, excited and optimistic — just didn’t want to get my hopes up.

Then he said: “Oh my goodness gracious!”

I froze. They were words I’d not heard in a long time. They seemed old-fashioned, and made me nervous.

Mike seemed about as straight-laced a gentleman as they come, and so very wholesome. (Still is.)

Maybe too straight-laced.

I’d wanted to be sure that whoever disrupted my newly single and creative life was worth the trouble.

But suddenly I worried about whether I was good enough for him. I trusted my loving heart, honesty and effort to do good.

Yet, I have plenty of bad habits, too — like my potty mouth.

B&G is an Aspiration

A quick reminder: For me, Blessed & Grateful is a practice, a personal goal, an outlook and aspiration.

No magic answers here, folks. Just a writer telling stories about what I’ve learned (some) and what I’m still learning (a lot), on my ride around the sun on this beautiful rock.

I am neither pure, nor holier-than-thou. We all have our stuff we’re working on.

Here’s one of mine: I’m kinda mouthy, often with colorful language. Actually, to say I can swear like a sailor and talk like a trucker may insult sailors and truckers.

By 40, I’d of course heard plenty of salty language. I believe in free speech, free press and as such am anti-censorship. I was smart enough to be careful and appropriate around children, or in professional or office settings.

But otherwise, I had no big reasons to censor myself.

Still Tweaking

In the months before I met Mr. Goodness Gracious my parents started making comments. First, one from Dad.

Unfortunately, he died in 2013 and is not here to defend himself. Anyone who knew him would say calling his language “colorful” was an understatement.

He had a good heart, and struggled with his flaws as we all do. He loved us.

And he had many four-letter favorites.

As a kid, I was puzzled that he’d call his own dad an “old fart” and nobody seemed to mind. I could not imagine anyone on my mom’s side of the family referring to her father that way.

As an adult, when we talked on the phone and I asked him what he was doing, he’d say: “dilly-farting around.” Or, if he wanted to describe someone who was all over the place he’d say: “That guy — he’s like a wet fart in a hot skillet.”

The cussing king often got exactly the reaction he was after: I’d roll my eyes, scold him and chuckle all at the same time.

So maybe I swore trying to be funny like my Dad, or just to blow off stress, or I was just being lazy. Who knows.

One summer day, Dad and I were working hard to bust up a stubborn block of concrete outside my little house in a small town in central Pennsylvania.

That concrete had to go, and it would not budge.

We were building a series of outdoor steps beside the house, a way to reach the backyard without going through the house, which sits atop a hill on a narrow lot. Dad had figured out the dimensions of each step in this strange and quirky, descending walkway of various and funky widths.

To make the whole thing work, that concrete had be broken into pieces. No way around it.

It was 90-some degrees on a muggy afternoon. I pounded and pounded with a sledge hammer. Dad was still recovering from a serious illness and probably should have been inside in front of an air conditioner, instead of supervising.

So it was me and my sledge hammer vs. that concrete.

I doubled-down, pounded away and swore a blue streak at it.

This seemed useful — eventually, enough concrete gave way and broke off. I was pleased.

Dad-isms

Turns out my Dad, of all people, was shocked.

Dad: Where did you learn to talk like that?

Me: Um … you. (True.)

Then he called my mom. They’d been divorced more than 30 years by then, but he still had this thing about tattling on me to my mom.

Dad: Do you have any idea how much your daughter swears? Where did she get that from?

Mom: You.

The next spring, my mom and I escaped the cold north for a few days in Florida. Once seated on the airplane for our return flight, she lectured me to clean up my mouth.

Mom: Do you realize how much you just swore while we were waiting at the gate? I was EMBARRASSED!

Actually, I had no idea. Still none when we stepped out of the Cleveland airport into the bitter, painful cold and I strung profane words together to make new phrases.

My point: It was pretty bad, and I barely realized it.

And then, by some incredible and unbelievable stroke of luck that fall, I met my husband.

Sticking to the Script

And his kids!

Soon after the conversation with Mr. Goodness Gracious I met his boys — 15 and 13.

See — I’d wanted a family of my own, and at 41 it had not yet happened.

So here was a shot at making a new family with these three guys. I was determined to do everything as right as I possibly could, to be the very best example I could be from the start.

As we got to know each other, I chose my words carefully and stuck to safe things to say to these wholesome, smart, country kids and athletes.

Like: Great game!

Sometimes I repeated the same, boring thing.

But it was better than … well, you know.

I was so nervous about making good initial impressions, so aware that certain moments would stick in their minds, the way I remembered the first times I’d spent as a child with my stepmother.

I was so eager. So anxious. So careful.

I positioned myself in the corner of the kitchen between the sink and cutting board and got busy cooking and feeding them. I like to cook. They like to eat. We built from there.

The Swear Jar

The best I can recall is that something went off the rails with preparing a meal — like I was already into it then realized I was missing an important ingredient — or opened the refrigerator door too quickly, sending some condiment tumbling from a poorly designed shelf on the door onto the floor, triggering a panic about a further delay and mess to cleanup.

Oh crap!

In a moment when my guard was down only a tame little word like that flew from my mouth. Before I could finish patting myself on the back ….

That’s a swear word! said my younger stepson. You owe the swear jar!

Oh honey, I thought, you have NO IDEA.

And so, over the years, as we became a family, this became one of our family jokes.

In time, they could read moments of surprise, shock and horror on my face and smirked with anticipation over whether I’d screw up or hold my tongue. They were testing and teasing.

My younger stepson, the peanut butter prankster, was especially good at popping up out of nowhere.

He had a spidey-sense for a key, high-risk moment of weakness and would pop into a room at just the right time to interject a reminder:

Swear jar!

Disputed Balance Due

When that big bottle of A-1 sauce flew out of the refrigerator door and landed squarely on my barefoot big toe, I said “Don’t swear. Don’t swear. Don’t swear” over and over again until the pain passed.

Sometimes I slipped. Of course I slipped.

Over the more than five years since I moved into the Man Cave with my husband and stepsons, I can count on one hand — okay, maybe two — the number of times I truly said a four-letter word, and owed the swear jar.

Never the bomb, mind you. Never.

Even if it’s all the fingers on two hands, that’s $2.50.

Both kids have joked that I owe the swear jar about $1,000. No way.

And so it goes.

Here’s the thing: There is no swear jar. There never was an actual jar, or actual payments of actual money.

We never needed it. It wasn’t about the money. It was, of course, about the three of them and being the best I could for them.

Now I Notice — and Cringe

Those boys — simply by being children of the love of my life, and in time our children — made me want to be better, my absolute very best, a good example for them and someone they deserved in their home and lives.

Still a work in progress.

Now, I hear those George Carlin bad words and cringe — whether they’re coming out of my mouth or someone else’s. The kids are 22 and 19. By now, they’ve heard it all.

I’m no saint. I still swear — generally when the kids are not around and I’m venting to my husband or a girlfriend.

But I do hear it now, and shudder. I try to dial it down, calm down, apologize, clean it up and do better.

Last week, I finally got to share the movie Bull Durham with my older stepson. I’d been looking forward to it for years, waiting until he was “old enough.” We all love baseball, and I knew he’d like the parts when the seasoned catcher teaches the rookie pitcher a lesson about not shaking off the catcher’s signs.

You never shake off the catcher. Both our boys played catcher for many seasons.

But I forgot about how much crude language is in that movie. I just had not noticed before.

Every bomb was uncomfortable. Even though he is 22, about to graduate college, plenty old enough to watch whatever rated movie he wants to and has surely heard his own share of salty language, I still felt like a bad influence.

Stopping the movie felt weird. Watching it felt weird. So I pulled the blanket over my head in-between the baseball scenes (for the cuss words and other reasons.)

These three men have changed me. Loving them and living with them has changed me. They have made me better — nowhere near perfect, but better — and I’m grateful for their inspiration.

Now, most of the time, when I’m shocked, and say “Oh my …” I linger for a moment, and more often than not, choose “goodness.”

 

Blessed & Grateful: With Love, We Can Do Hard Things

With Love from our Angels, We Can Do the Hardest Things

My grandmother’s singing soothed and loved me through childhood, through the loss of her — and has helped me face every hard thing in life so far. When my beautiful friend faced her own death, I did the little I could, and leaned on the love, strength and singing of my angels.

 

When I was little, my grandmother held and snuggled me in her lap and rocked me as she sang this silly song about a mama fish and her baby fish swimming over a dam.

When I grew too big to sit on her lap, I watched as she rocked and sang to my younger cousins from her chair on the big front porch of her white bungalow house.

She did this with all 10 of her grandchildren. I was often at my grandparents’ house, and walked there after school most days. My mom and I lived nearby, and my aunt and uncle and cousins lived down the street.

I remember our post-war suburb outside Cleveland as a lovely place to be a child: Mature maple trees so big and lush their branches overlapped, making a green tunnel above Anthony Street. All the neighbors knew each other and as they walked by there was a constant-back-and-forth between the porch and the sidewalk of “hellos” and “how-about-this-weather?” and “how’s such-and-such doing?”

When the tough times come, I reach for these memories, as they are among my most cherished. I reach for the comfort of my grandmother’s love and strength, the sound of her singing.

Phoning Home

My first job out of journalism school was as a small town news reporter at a local newspaper on the Maine coast. Newsrooms — even in quaint coastal towns — tend to be chaotic, loud and crowded places.

Every day, from their corner of the newsroom the two sports guys delivered a lively variety show of silly jokes and songs that grew increasingly whacky and louder as our deadline approached. Dave and George covered, wrote and edited all the sports stories in at least two dozen towns and four school districts.

They sang that silly song about the baby fish that my grandmother sang to all of us. They butchered it, singing all the wrong words, and I could never remember all the right words.

So I would call my grandmother, ask her to sing it, write down the words and hand them over to Dave and George — who didn’t really care about the right words and continued to sing about the fishes with their words in their way, only louder.

The Message

On a hot Saturday afternoon in July, hearing my uncle say over the phone that she had died felt like a cannon had plunged a lead ball through my gut, leaving a hole that sucked all the air from me. I could not breathe. I doubled over.

Early the next morning, I flew back to Cleveland, anxious to reach my mom and the rest of my family, and tried hard to hold it together on that first flight.

But between flights, in the “privacy” of a bathroom stall in the Cincinnati airport, the sobs shook me. I could not stop weeping, leaned against the locked door and whispered to my grandmother, into the emptiness.

Are you OK? I just need to know you are OK.

She was no longer on the front porch, or in her chair in the living room, cooking dinner in the kitchen or at the other end of the telephone line. I didn’t know where she was now, and that was terrifying.

A moment later, she sang to me. I swear to you: That silly song in her voice was the only thing I could hear — and I had not thought of it in a long while until then.

Clear as a bell, her voice filled my head, singing that goofy little fishy song with all the right words I could never remember. She sang about the three little fishes and the mama fishy too, all swimming in a pool until the mama tells her babies to “SWIM!” said the mama. “Swim as fast as you can! And they swam and they swam all over the dam.”

An Extra Push

You may recall the chorus?

“Boom, boom, diddum datum whaddum SHOO!

Boom, boom diddum datum whaddum SHOO!

Boom, boom diddum datum whaddum SHOO!

And they swam and they swam all over the dam.”

She would always give us an extra squeeze on the SHOO!

In that moment, I was certain she was singing to me from her new life beyond her death, telling me she was absolutely AOK and not to worry one bit.

Swim!

That whole next week, our family gathered and did the hardest things together. We hovered over my grandfather — knowing the arteries of his heart were so blocked it was a ticking time bomb — kneeled at our matriarch’s casket to pray, visited with extended family and friends, wrote a eulogy and carried her to a cradle above a deep hole in the ground.

All week that goofy song propelled me through one hard thing after another. It was, after all, about a mama urging her babies forward over a hurdle. If I was alone in the car driving to and from the funeral home, I sang that silly song as loud as I could.

“SWIM!” said the mama. “Swim as fast as you can!”

I felt her rocking me, remembered that sensation of being loved and cherished, let that comfort me and felt her sing and push me forward.

Our Angels — Seen & Unseen — Love us Through It

When my thoughts and worries buzz like hornets around my mind in the darkness, I hear my grandmother singing and I can feel her rocking me and her cool hand on my forehead. I can breathe deeply again. I can rest.

Especially over these last few weeks, my grandmother is singing for I have called for her and her comfort. She is one way I feel God’s unconditional love and presence. Her singing voice affirms my faith that there is something more, and something wonderful beyond this world.

I believe in angels. Those we can see in this life who are our family by both blood and choice, and those we can no longer see who have gone onto the life beyond, whatever that is. They are still with us, somehow, some way. When the hard times come, we can ask all our angels for help and strength and lean heavily upon them.

They get us through. We stand upon their shoulders and can do hard things — the absolutely hardest, thorniest, scariest and most painful things we must face in our lives — whatever they may be for each of us.

In these last several weeks, I have called in my angels, both seen and unseen, for myself and my friend Wilda, who faced one of the hardest things any of us ever will.

My Beautiful Friend

My beautiful friend knew she was dying.

She has been my mentor, inspiration and a badass role model.

She is a wife and mother, and a warrior. A fellow believer and sister champion of the importance of stitching and building community fabric by digging in the soil and planting flowers and vegetables. She fiercely protected our special gardens because of what they mean and what they give to our community.

She and her husband led a project to plant 111,000 daffodil bulbs that bloom all over this small central Pennsylvania town every spring. She helped start the Sept. 11 Memorial Garden in honor of a native son lost at the Pentagon.

She has been instrumental on nearly every public garden project in that town: a pollinator garden, a gorgeous garden of all edibles, the plantings downtown and in the park.

When we visited recently, I asked her to count the community garden projects she worked on.

Nine.

I wanted her to know this town would not be nearly so beautiful without her.

One of those gardens is especially near and dear to my heart. She fiercely protected it.

Every spring, second-graders plant lettuce, spinach and radishes in small plots of their very own within our community children’s garden. This April, the total over nine years topped 400.

Wilda didn’t do any of it by herself. She worked side by side with people, one task at a time and led by example. With grace and diplomacy in a way that was quiet, selfless and effective.

She is a warrior who cuts through the nonsense.

And she fought off cancer for 20 years. But not this time. 

Nothing would stop the tumors this time.

She fought the good fight, endured unimaginable pain, needles, tests, treatments, tubes.

The Hardest Thing

A little more than five weeks ago, my beautiful friend and her husband and doctors decided it was time to stop treatment. She has been at home in the constant care of her husband, with help from hospice.

Honored, I sat with Wilda soon after her decision. We talked about what’s next. Because we don’t really know what happens. That’s the whole point — the beautiful, excruciating mystery.

My faith makes it easier for me to face that. Yet, whatever people believe is intensely personal and private and they have every right to it.

Her husband and sons face life without her. Nothing can spare them this pain.

She had made some decisions about her funeral service. She was starting to draft her obituary. Maybe she would ask people to plant daffodils in town in her memory. She gave me a short list of things to do.

I was struck by her calm and dignity, as she sat in a wing chair in her bedroom, looking out the front window toward the bare maple in front of her house.

She said she didn’t really have much choice.

She hoped the medicine would let her just drift away. That was the plan.

Strength in the Silence

Weeks later, that did not happen. She was restless. She was in pain. It seemed as if she was between worlds — no longer really here with us and yet still alive.

I tried hard to say the right thing to them both. I pointed out the beauty of the maple outside her window, now covered in red buds.

I thought that maybe my job was to gently urge her to let go, to tell her she’d taken care of everything on her list, to remind her of all the incredible good she’d done in this world. Because she has.

So I did.

But who was I to say and to tell her the time had come? She had plenty more she wanted to do in this life, and she was entitled if she was furious that she would not get to do it.

I realized I don’t get to decide the timing just because it so hurts to see her pain.

When I left with the luxury of returning to my so-called normal life, I wished I had said something different. Or better yet, maybe nothing.

I wished I could cradle my friend and gently rock her until all the comfort and peace of my memories seeped into her bones.

But that too would be for me, not for her.

I shouted for her angels, and hoped they had already filled the room and were singing the music that sounds the sweetest to her, and in her own time and way would lead her to peace.

Gratefully, she was not alone. Her husband was with her round-the-clock, loving her and managing — and being pushed beyond exhaustion.

There are no right words. This business of dying is awful and ugly. The anguish of it filled the house.

The day after my visit, Wilda’s best friend since seventh grade arrived from Seattle.

We Will Remain What We Were to Each Other

I cannot imagine what that next week was like. I choose instead to focus on what must have been the brightest spots: the final time with her husband of nearly 50 years and her very best friend of even longer, and her bravest visitors.

Wilda died eight days after I last saw her, last Sunday morning.

On the day of her local celebration-of-life service, the daffodils were in full bloom and children laughed and danced like worms as they learned about beneficial bugs and played bug BINGO in our community children’s garden. Just a small part of her beautiful legacy.

At her service, a friend read a poem she had selected, Death Is Nothing At All (Death of the King of Terrors) by Henry Scott-Holland.

The truth of this lovely line struck me:

“…the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.”

In this life she was an angel, bringing soup to my door when I was under the weather, listening with endless patience and kindness to my troubles, opening her kitchen and home to me for comfort in my hardest times.

And now, I believe that if it is at all possible, she will find a way to soothe and comfort her sons, and husband and family as they go on without her. I believe her soul is like that of my grandmother’s, an unseen angel, and that love lasts beyond death.

Nudged by the Love of Unseen Wings

Our angels in the life beyond death are not fixers. They can’t spare us the pain. Remembering the ones who have crossed is not the same as having them here with us. No way.

Yet, they can give us a little reminder of love and faith, a little nudge to dig deeper and find the strength to get through.

To help ourselves. To go on. To swim forward over the dam, whatever it is.

To take the next best step — toward life.

 

Blessed & Grateful: Meeting My Superhero

Blessed & Grateful: When Wishes Come True

One October Friday afternoon, I returned to my home office, checked email and read a message about me — but not intended for me to see.  A friend of mine traded messages with a friend of hers about their plans to introduce me to some guy named Mike at an upcoming Halloween party.

I saw the message by mistake. An accidental “reply all,” went to 200-some people on the e-mail list for a happy hour group.

My face flushed hot with embarrassment.

Why Orange? Because I Can

Too soon. Some legal paperwork was all that remained of the marriage that had brought me here to the middle of Pennsylvania, full of mountain ridges, valleys, forests and farm fields.

A year, I’d promised myself. One year before I decided whether to stay or go. By then, I had cried my tears, reflected on mistakes, done a lot of healing, and still had a lot to go.

Too soon to think about dating.

I leaned heavily on my best friend and her husband. They’d helped move furniture in and out of my house and shared their New Year’s Eve and Fourth of July holidays with me. Three is kind of a crowd.

That autumn, I settled into single life — and enjoying it.

I tore out old carpets of my 1900 petite, folk Victorian house to find original hardwood floors and painted my office a deep, rich, earthy violet. Soon, the living room would be a brilliant fire orange with crisp white trim and dark hardwood floors.

Why orange? Because I could. There was no one else to please and I really didn’t believe there ever would be. I dug deeper into the garden and studied to be a certified master gardener.

By Friday evenings, between a week of writing and editing work in my new purple office and a weekend of working on the house, I needed to get out for awhile.

So I’d joined a social “happy hour” group of adults of all ages, both singles and couples, who met for drinks after work on Fridays.

The Wish List

The embarrassment faded. I wanted to be a good sport. I thought of Rodney and his wife’s wish list.

My newly re-discovered single, creative life would not be disturbed for just anyone.

So I made a wish list, then told the fixer-uppers that since they were out there looking, thankyou-very-much, they may as well have my wish list — oh, and by the way you are sharing your private email exchange with everyone. 

“Wish list,” I scrawled in blue ink atop a half-sheet of torn notebook paper I still keep in my desk.

Then: GOOD PERSON. Responsible. Strong moral fiber. Generous of spirit (but not a doormat). Honorable.
Smart. Healthy. Active. Attractive. Outdoorsy ~ the more nature-oriented, the better (but no dirty, smelly hippies).
Good Listener.

Can I Borrow a Boa?

On the night of the Halloween party, the couch and its comfort looked oh-so-good. Way better than figuring out a costume.

The day had brought some blues and an early snowfall of several inches that stuck to the dry leaves still on the trees and weighed the boughs in an awkward way. This was the record-setting 2011 Halloween Nor’Easter known as “Snowtober.”

He’s probably a dud, I figured, still un-decided as daylight faded.

My friend called, wondering if I was going. I hemmed and hawed.

We’ll pick you up in 20 minutes, she decided.

Fine, I said. What the heck? Probably a dud.

Then, I realized my lack of costume.

Can you bring a boa?

At the last-minute I found a turquoise feathered mask, jammed contacts onto my eyes, put on a leopard-printed shirt atop the same hiking pants and clogs I’d worn all day and went out the door.

We WILL have a Conversation

At first, it felt like an eighth-grade dance. All couples, except for me and this tall guy dressed in dark clothing. The costumed couples stood talking in the dim lighting, watching as Mike and I were introduced.

He wore a black, netted mask and outfit. A ghilly suit, I learned later, that makes hunters and snipers blend into the shrubbery.

His teeth were really ugly. Neither of us said much and walked away.

Oh no, I thought. I passed up a good movie and comfy couch for this, buddy. Even if you are a dud, we’re going to have a freaking conversation just to be sure.

Finally, awhile later, our masks came off. His Halloween teeth, an effective part of his last-minute costume, were gone revealing his true smile.

He was pretty damn handsome, tall with dark hair and a square jaw.

But we had still not talked to each other.

I was taking stock of all of this while talking in a group of people. He chatted with a neighboring group. Then our groups merged and we were both talking to the same group about how the Texas Rangers had just lost a heart-breaker of a World Series the night before.

I asked him if he liked baseball. His face lit up and he smiled. Yes, my boys and I go to games.

In that moment, there was so much light and kindness in his handsome face, and my intuition wildly screamed: “Wow! I could LOVE this guy!”

Your boys? I asked. How old are they?

15 and 13.

And my intuition screamed again: “Oh, yipes, already teenagers, almost all grown up. That’s going to fly by. Be careful.”

I’d learned the hard way not to argue with my intuition.

We talked for a long time about baseball, hiking in the forests of central Pennsylvania, and books. He is a lifelong teacher and coach, a great father. A hunter, lover of history and the outdoors.

That moment could so easily have been false hope.

But it wasn’t.

Yelling at God

The next day, I called my mom to tell her I’d met a really nice guy, but had not heard from him.

He’s busy, she said. He has kids and a full schedule.

Me: You don’t even know his name! How are you already taking his side?

My mom: I have a good feeling about this. 

I’ve learned not to argue with my mother’s intuition.

The next day, I learned Mike had asked for my email address.

Then nothing. Crickets!

For days.

By then, I knew his e-mail address — from his web page for work. Easy! And I also knew he had to make the first move.

So I waited. As I sanded and caulked and painted and raked the leaves I yelled at God. Because I was still too wobbly to be disappointed.

Finally, I’m good again! Please do not bother me unless he’s the real deal!

Eventually, Mike e-mailed.

He had bought the book I’d mentioned about how natural gas-drilling was changing the Pennsylvania countryside, and read it in two days so we’d have something to talk about. He told me about his brother’s wedding.

His punctuation was near-perfect, and I swooned.

The next Sunday, we took a walk in the woods, had dinner and talked until the patrons at the restaurant were gone and the workers were vacuuming around us and ready to turn the lights off and go home.

By Thanksgiving, I was pretty darn sure it was a done deal.

He was worth it. Everything on my wish list and more.

A Superhero Family Guy, Teacher and Husband

Mike is a good, solid, honorable family man. He leads by example: Up early working hard, long days at hard jobs — and the boys come first. I don’t know how he does it, but he always finds a way to make time for the boys and now for me.

He is frugal and responsible with money.

He is generous with his spirit and kindness — however once someone crosses an important line or betrays his trust, look out. There is often no return. (Backbone!)

He is smart, healthy, beautiful inside and out, a good listener and unbelievably patient.

As I got to know him, I realized just how incredibly gifted of a teacher he is.

See, my journalism training and experience taught me to ask pressing questions, sometimes repeatedly, and root around for answers then quickly serve that bottom line answer up to a reader.

So as we all learned to live together, and things came up, I’d ask him for the answer.

You have to figure that out.

And I’ve heard him say the same thing about the kids.

He’s got to figure that out.

My instincts are to just tell kids the answer, and save them some trouble. It seems faster. But that doesn’t teach them anything. If they learn it themselves, they might just learn it for good.

The Faith to Fly, Together

Our courtship happened in school cafeterias and gymnasiums. When we met, he was an assistant principal at a middle school. The principal, his boss, is the wife of the other “fixer-upper,” the man who had sent the “reply-all” email.

One of our first dates was to chaperone the Winter Wonderland Dance at the middle school. That weekend, I met the boys.

Soon, all the clichés began to make sense: Love at first sight? Definitely. I believed it for the first time.

I fell hard and fast, for all three of them. It was dangerous because it was so soon. Too soon.

And because the only way it would work was if I let myself be swallowed up into the lives of these three men while the boys were still growing up — which required a not-so-little leap of faith that in time I would regain my balance.

It wasn’t always easy for my friends and family to understand. I was gone a lot. Gone or raving about these guys.

Mike and the boys this, Mike and the boys that, said a guy-friend as we walked in town. I know, Super Mike is perfect.

Well, yeah, just about, I said. I’m gushing. I’m sorry.

Lots of people deserve happily ever after and never get it. I don’t know why.

Some people find real, true, lasting love as teenagers and have five, six or even seven decades together.

Those people get really, really lucky.

Don’t Screw It Up!

Mike and I waited four decades for real love. True and lasting love. And then it was up to us to get it right, to cherish this gift and each other, our family and our home.

Or, as my mother — who still always takes his side — says: Don’t screw it up!

We made sure it was real over three years of long walks and routine and holiday family dinners, of traveling to and watching the boys’ games and sports events: basketball, football, baseball and wrestling.

Then we got married in front of a solid, old stone house at our favorite state park.

You are my dream come true, I told Mike and the boys during our ceremony. They are a package deal. We celebrated with our annual summer barbecue at a pavilion in the park.

My husband is absolutely all of those qualities on that wish list I made, and more.

So in those quiet moments together, I never forget to tell my superhero: Thanks for being my dream come true. Thanks for going to the party.

Blessed & Grateful: Rule #1 is Come Home Safe

One chilly Saturday morning in early April, I ran into my brother-in-law at our small-town post office. He and his family live in town, just a short walk out beyond our backyard, and down the hill toward the mountain.

He asked if one of our teenage boys had been messing around in the night, with his friends, perhaps?

My mind quickly flashed to the memory of the police car that had pulled into our driveway the night before. But the officer had actually been looking for the duplex two doors down. He was checking into a complaint about noise, but I knew it couldn’t be our house.

A few kids had just arrived for a sleepover, and they weren’t loud. I was still hovering to see what they needed.

But then I’d gone to bed.

The House Rule on Peanut Butter

Why? I asked my brother-in-law.

In the morning, he had found his truck handles covered in peanut butter.

Back at home, I reported to my husband. We hatched a plan.

Later, we asked our 14-year-old if he knew why we had both organic peanut butter and less-expensive, regular peanut butter. The organic for eating and the other for — well…?

His face instantly cracked into a smile.

Busted.

It was our way to send a few important messages: People are keeping an eye on you, a little peanut butter on your uncle’s truck isn’t a big deal, and we can share a laugh about it.

So we added to our rules list: If you’re going to prank your uncle, use the cheap peanut butter.

House Rule: Don’t Burn the House Down

For the record: I am not their mom. They have a mom and she loves them very much.

And these are my kids. All these things are true.

Their dad and I had fallen head-over-heels in love in our early 40s, so I loved these kids before I met them.

When I arrived in this family, the boys were already teenagers, 15 and 13, already well-behaved young men and they knew what their dad expected of them. They lived with their dad half the time and I moved into their house.

There was no rules list, no guide-book. I tiptoed for a long time. We all had to figure it out.

One day their dad and I left to take a walk and just naturally said something like: We’ll be back in an hour. Don’t burn the house down.

And I chimed in: And don’t hurt yourself — or your brother.

Later, we added the bit about which peanut butter to use when you want to prank your uncle. Then, after ribbing about the big pocketbook I carry and the number of lost items that had turned up in it, we added to the list: If you lose anything, look in Lisa’s pocketbook.

Looking back, that rules list was kind of my way to establish my role as someone new in their lives and home. As a second adult and parental figure I could make rules.

And they could be funny ones because these kids already had a great base and, if anything, they just needed an occasional friendly, funny reminder of what was expected of them.

Your Heart Walking Around Outside Your Body

Somewhere in there, I became a parent.

They were growing up so fast and the world is so big and dangerous.

I remember telling a friend how scary it was when they went out the door, especially as they started driving.

That friend was not yet a parent. She said she’d heard it described that it’s like your heart is walking around all day outside your body.

Exactly.

I mean, driving.

I overheard a dad at a baseball game say to his son: Don’t do anything stupid, and you’re old enough by now to know what that means.

That went on the list with the not hurting anyone, or our home, the pocketbook and the peanut butter.

House Rule: Watch out for Stupid

The morning my older stepson went to college, I had about 25 different things I wanted to say to him.

I picked the most important one. I told him he had a good head on his shoulders and made good decisions. All true. And sometimes it’s really easy to get caught up in the bad decisions of other people. Also true.

So — Watch out for the stupid things other people do. Onto the rules list.

As my younger stepson began to drive, and his senior year of high school was upon him with college soon to come, we retired the rules list into one simple, number one rule.

Come home safe.

Because kids are going to take risks. Most of us can remember times when we were the ones doing stupid things, or taking so many risks at once that we somehow survived by the grace of God.

Sometimes you find yourself well beyond your limits. There was the night I accidentally drank too much and could barely walk, supporting myself against a brick building as I made my way toward Boston’s Kenmore Square. And that night in Maine when four-wheeling on the beach in the pickup truck I’d just bought seemed like a great idea. So did the idea of a friend trying to stand up in the bed of the pickup as we zipped down the road.

All, gratefully, turned out OK.

We all know those things don’t always turn out OK, that terrible, life-ending things that happen. I do not know why some people survive those dangerous moments and others do not.

I don’t know why sometimes you can do everything “right,” the best you can, everything you can think of and it’s not enough and they can’t get home.

Come Home Safe

If you find yourself in a bad situation, just focus on survival. Just get home.

If you ever get to a point where it all seems impossibly broken and you don’t know where to start.

Come home safe. Everything else can be worked out.

If ever you are worried about being shamed or judged or yelled at, don’t. Just get home. We will listen with love. No matter what, we will fall to our knees and be grateful you are alive.

Come home safe.

There is always time to make things right.

Keep Them Safe, Please

As I write in the early morning, I am far from home, in a hotel room. I’ve spent the last couple of days with a very sick family member. I’m worn out and weary.

My husband and older stepson are on their way, driving a long distance. We are here to see my younger stepson play baseball as a college freshman.

I try not to worry about all that could happen on the highway, as I try not to worry every time they drive away.

The boys are all grown up now. Fine men.

Our oldest graduates college this year and has a great job lined up.

Sure, there were probably more peanut butter incidents and other things I don’t know about. We’re not naïve.

Just because we live in a sweet little antique town, full of beauty, family and love, we know there are plenty of dangers, and lots of pain.

Life has already thrown them curve balls and there will surely be more.

They are good and solid, well-prepared. They are absolutely the most amazing men you could ever meet.

I know, I gush.

And they never really needed my rules. All along those rules were probably just for me.

Occasionally, I will remind each one of Rule #1. I know, he’ll say.

As I stand at the window and watch them drive away, it’s my prayer. Please bring them home safe.

Then I can let go and move on with my day.

 

Blessed & Grateful: High-Altitude Insight

The man buckling his seatbelt beside me looked comfortable in worn jeans, a plaid shirt, glasses, and a grey wool cap— and he knew something about love that I needed to learn.

As we flew through the darkness, a stranger delivered a powerful, hopeful message I needed to hear about finding love after divorce.

The man buckling his seatbelt beside me looked comfortable in worn jeans, a plaid shirt, glasses, and a grey wool cap. He was an artist flying home to Minneapolis. Self-employed like me. He seemed nice. His name was Rodney.

On this April evening, our three-hour flight from Phoenix would take us back to the cold Midwest. Soon it would be dark outside. We would land around midnight after a long, but really good day.

My interview near Sacramento for a magazine profile had gone well. The California warmth and sunshine had felt so good. All my logistics and first flight were smooth. My Minneapolis interview wasn’t until the next afternoon, so I could rest in the morning. It was good to be out traveling again.

For awhile, Rodney and I chatted about the ups and downs of a freelance life. We agreed it was a kind of crazy way to make a living and yet, we couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

Then the conversation turned personal.

A risky turn

That was risky. I was getting divorced, and prone to long bouts of sobbing best done in private.

Even though I knew this split was for the best, I was learning that my only way out of divorce’s jagged grief and deep sense of failure was to just cry my way through it.

Every day that winter there were tears and more tears. I’d been numb and teary through Thanksgiving, then sailed so smoothly through the holidays and the New Year with all its promise of new beginnings that I thought I was past it.

Wrong.

In mid-February, I crashed, paralyzed by anxiety and tears and felt no choice but to back out of important commitments and hunker down at home for awhile. Thankfully, I had good, caring friends, parents only four hours away, and my petite folk Victorian house that felt like a fortress.

I would rally to meet a deadline or handle a piece of divorce business, then retreat back to my house. Simple things were taxing. I’d be out and about, get a headache, head home, step into a hot bath in the middle of the afternoon and put myself to bed in the early evening.

I’d learned to confide in only a few trusted souls who had been through divorce and understood and to steer clear of some married people who apparently got it right the first time and seemed kind of mystified by the whole notion.

Painful questions

They were curious? Perhaps concerned divorce was contagious?

Surely, they had not meant any harm. And yet, they’d said stupid, hurtful things.

“What happened to the love?” asked the accountant’s wife and secretary, handing over the finished tax return that February as tears streamed down my cheeks. I never went back.

One curious acquaintance stopped me on the sidewalk, in front of the post office of our small town. “What happened?” she said. “Did he cheat, or … ?” She trailed off, hoping I’d fill in the details but I refused. Not today, I told her. I retreated to my house.

See, what those folks didn’t get is that for me What went wrong????? was the most haunting, painful question. And my answer at that moment from the eye of my personal storm would have been no clearer than theirs.

So I kept my guard up.

A little leap of faith

And now some guy on an airplane was asking about my life.

I found a little faith, probably took a deep breath and told him. Gratefully, he immediately shared that he’d been through a divorce, too.

He knew that deep sense of failure, and had shed his own tears. He had remarried — something I could not imagine then.

Hang in there, he said, being married to the right person is really good. He talked about his second wife, his right person, and how she had an awful illness. It was hard, he said, but yet wonderful and manageable because they faced it as a team.

Being with the wrong person was maddening, he said. Total insanity. I agreed. For the next hour we covered everything our ex-spouses did that drove us crazy.

I don’t recall precisely which of those painful things I shared, but I probably tried to make it something funny—or at least that sounded funny until you really thought about it. My ex was fond of critiquing my hair, my clothes, my body. He once told me: I’d like to see you with long, black straight hair.

To which I replied: I have short, reddish-brown curly hair. Did you happen to notice that before you married me?

To be fair, I had said unkind things to him, too. That we could say so many unkind things to each other was one of those big red flags that whatever we had was not the true, forever, lasting love.

I asked Rodney how he and his new wife knew they were right for each other.

Before they had met, at her therapist’s suggestion she listed all the traits she wanted in a partner. She told me I was everything on her list, he said.

The wish list

Holy crap!

I rarely go into a grocery store or start my day without a list. How is it that I neglected to thoughtfully and carefully consider all the qualities I wanted and needed in a husband and lifelong commitment? Inking such qualities onto paper seemed so basic and obvious — and yet I’d totally missed it.

For awhile, we joked about that. I was hardly the first person to overlook that I could choose, that there were better options worth the wait.

We spoke softly inside our tiny, private world as the jet propelled us through the darkness. For those few hours we were the best of friends. Soon, we landed and each focused on what we had to do next. We wrapped up the conversation, wished each other well and pledged to keep in touch, then disappeared separately into the cold, dark city.

Before I turned the key in the ignition of my rental car, I knew our encounter had been special.

Only later did I see what an incredible, powerful gift Rodney gave me that night.

Powerful gifts

He helped me realize what I’d known in my bones all along: I’d grown impatient and settled for the wrong person. My intuition had tried to get my attention with those nagging feelings, but I’d misread it as anxiety.

I would have to face that. Yet, our talk had lifted me. I wasn’t hopeless at marriage, or men or love. All was not lost. I had not wrecked my life beyond repair after all.

The talk released me from the whole question of whether my ex was a good guy or a bad guy. It wasn’t for me to say. And it didn’t matter anyway. He just wasn’t the right guy for me.

My mother will read this and mumble to herself: ‘I tried to tell her. But she can’t believe me until she hears it from some guy on an airplane …

I know mom. You did. Close friends saw it, too, and you all stood and clapped at the wedding because I asked you to and I appreciate it.

I remember. And I remember telling you, mom, that if it was a mistake you couldn’t spare me from it. I’d have to make it and figure it out on my own.

So I did. And now I would have to forgive myself.

Time to rise and shine

That dark spring night, Rodney said the right thing at the right time in the right way so that I got it — and could move forward.

To finish my mourning, get on with my healing and the rest of my life in earnest. To not get stuck. To rise.

And appreciate that there are little pearls of wisdom and insight surrounding us, often found in odd places when our guard is down.

The warmth of spring came, as it always does. Most days were better than the one before. I tore out the old carpet, brushed a gorgeous rusted orange onto my living room walls and took lots of long walks and hot bubble baths.

Awhile back, I searched for Rodney’s business card and our initial e-mail messages, and could not find them.

He was right about everything

If I could, I’d thank him for his stellar pep talk, his encouraging wisdom and the generosity of his spirit he gave to a stranger.

I’d tell him how it all turned out, how six months later I made my wish list and somehow, some way got so freaking lucky and received every bit of goodness I asked for and more than I imagined.

I’d tell him I know exactly what he meant about the sweetness of being married to the right person.

And I’d tell him how very much I still cherish our conversation.

I’d apologize for losing touch when life got so big and full, for not becoming a good friend available with a pep talk on his toughest days.

I trust God put someone just as wonderful in his path for those times, the way he had appeared in mine to say what I most needed to hear: I know it hurts. We all make mistakes. You got this. You’re going to be OK.