Being Brave ~ The Big Work of 2019

The first workday of 2019 tested my New Year commitment to be brave.

I pictured 65 fifth-graders staring blankly back at me for what was certain to be an agonizing 45 minutes. I caught myself clenching my shoulders and stomach, breathing shallow and typing with sweaty palms.

What would I say to them? How would I connect with them and hold their attention? 

Husband in Hot Water

Then I got really grumpy with my husband — despite that he’s an almost absolutely perfect man, and definitely perfect for me. (Read Meeting my Superhero.)

Weeks before, he’d asked me to talk to students at his school about writing.

No problem, I said.

Over the holidays, he was sketchy whenever I asked about details — until the morning before the talk.

“Talk about writing with 65 fifth-graders for 45 minutes, then questions.”

“Excuse me? 65?! 45 minutes?!”

Yeah.

Grumbling through the First Work Day

I stressed through the afternoon. By the evening, now really tired, I had more preparation to do.

I was ticked — and I told him so.

He headed to bed. I grunted and growled. 

“Good night, hon,” he gently said, and tiptoed upstairs.

Themes, not Resolutions

I’ve been dreaming of a big year ahead, and now it’s here. I don’t bother with resolutions. They are too rigid for me. Feels like a setup for failure. 

Instead, I pick themes for the year and commit to chipping away at them slow and steady over the course of the year. So if I skip a day, it’s no big deal, I just double-down the next day, or next week. 

One of my two big themes for 2019: Be Brave. 

In a few weeks, I’ll speak in front of hundreds of people. I’ll have no notes and nowhere to hide. No podium. No table. No panel. 

Just me and my story. I will feel naked. I will feel vulnerable. I may throw up beforehand. 

I’ve been preparing since mid-October — and I’ve been working on this story for eight years.

Still — This is completely outside of my comfort zone. My happy work place is at my oak desk, in the light and warmth of my home office, with the dogs curled up on the floor, snoring. Comfy in my yoga pants, surrounded by all my favorite thing-a-majigs: Family pictures — including one of my badass grandmother who served in World War II — inspirational quotes, a book of gratitude word art, colored lights in the big red jar.

But I also know growth is at the edge of my comfort zone.

Being Brave

Kids make me brave. My stepsons, the college students I work with — and those fifth-graders — who were awesome.

By the time I faced them, I was ready to roll.

Since they are learning about narrative writing, I thought they may like the story about what happened when a squirrel turned up on my kitchen cutting board. Especially since they know one of the main characters, my husband.

Maybe someday they’ll remember this when they pick up the book of our family tales that’s bouncing around in my head. (Current working title: Underpants in the Cast-Iron Skillet, a Squirrel on the Cutting Board, and other tales from the Man Cave.)

My parachute plan, should the kids blankly stare back: Lead them through jumping jacks. All those cardio kick-boxing classes I taught in a former life come in handy.

Fully Engaged

The kids were great sports about trying the writing exercise, listened politely, responded when I asked them questions, asked thoughtful questions and became more and more engaged as we went. 

We spent about 90 minutes together, talking about writing. No jumping jacks needed.

Back in the car, trapped in end-of-day gridlock in the school parking lot, I got it. My heart swelled with greater appreciation for my husband.

He believes in me. He is such a natural teacher. He knew it could be great for the kids — and me — and also knew he could pull the plug if I choked.

And, if he had told me the details a week earlier, I’d have a full week to stress and obsess about them. His way meant just one day of my grumbling and growling.

So, thanks to him, my 2019 big theme to Be Brave is off to a great start. No other choice, really.

And big thanks to the college student who urged me to pitch the talk. 

“If you don’t get scared, then you aren’t living,” she said. “Nothing worth doing is easy.” Adding that next to the quotes on my wall.

Happy New Year, everyone. Let’s have a great, big, juicy, grateful 2019.